dreamland..maybe??

So, just took a little nap, started dreaming, didn't finish the dream, but got enough info in this dream to think.OK, for some reason, I was so over church, I was so over them not letting me do what God had called me to do, I was so over all the bullcrap teachings of man, and so over the pastor crying for 35 in over an offering. So, I went to church, and the same weekly bull started, the worship,so, I refused to stand in protest, sat, my mother like to flip out, she would come over and try to lift me outta the seat, so after this the first few times, I get up after dumping the entire contents to my overnight bag, all over the seat, and then making noise stuffing it all back into my bag, I left that sanctuary, went down the hall, and out to the back door, well this was on a beach, and I looked to see the rough waters of that beach storming, almost as if God himself was mad at me for leaving that church! But, I left, closed the door behind me, and stood in the pouring rain for a few min...was I all wrong? Was I crazy for what I just did? I go up to that door, and go to reopen it, the door is locked, I managed to wiggle it back open, I step in to see that crazy pastor almost running after me, I looked and quickly took off to that ocean! IN my head I was thinking, this from a pastor who did more crying than pastoring..this guy was no pastor, or teacher, he was just a man, who was filled by something, and in my running I began to think...maybe all this time, that is what I really longed for??? I know this was just a dream, but I was thinking, maybe this is what I wanted to have? A real Pastor , someone to really not give up on me! In real life I have not had 1 pastor come after me!! They all turned away, and was like well let them be! One of those pastors actually stood behind a cart one day I seen them, like I was gonna hurt them or something, I got a hug from the wife, but not him. Another just says hi..Another, didn't even recognize me, even with all 4 kids, and 6 months of worship with them! Not that I am someone all important, but why or how can you have these people in your lives, share your most treasured secrets with, and they treat you now like you never exsisted? How can that be?
This dream falls on the heels of someone that I used to go to church with, they had a sick child, and now, I can not get them off my mind, I have no way of contacting them either, but, please let me know why you are filling my head with thoughts about this person alllllllllllll day!!!

I think sometimes dreams are some of what is happening in the subconscience, and this may be real..to a point! In my mind I guess, I have been wondering, why hasn't anyone even bothered to chase after me? Or at least call and say, how are you doing? But, in this sick world, I have not had anything like that happen. I am kind of numb right now, not like hurt, but like wow, what if Jesus just let us go...what if Jesus just turned his back on us? What would we be like?? Just some more ramblings of my mind....

Being un-churched...

Ya know, I have been out of church for over a year now, and I have to let ya know how I feel...Here is thing  its kinda funny the way things happen, But, my whole life now is about being free!!! My whole life's devotion now is not seeing my family sitting in a fema camp ,standing up for my rights as a parent, and a person, protecting my amendment rights at whatever the cost! I am so sick of my whole life being pushed around, and constantly under someone telling me what to do! i am being me, and if you don't like it, well too bad! I am no here for you, I have to do what I need to do, to get where ever it is, I need to be! I am so sick of people, especially the "church" telling me I am in rebellion for not doing what I am told, If i listen to something other that what is played at church, I am bad, or if I shop at certain stores, or If I give to other charities, its wrong!!! That is not Jesus, that is man!! I refuse to follow that doctrine of the world, and you you what I do is worldly? Its amazing I was always in rebellion, but when you pointed something out, ohh, well I was the one in the hot seat!! Some will say I need to let it go, and I have let the pain go of what has been done to me..but you can forgive, but not forget, and its just life, I believe God has us in certain seasons, and my season was over! Its like this, all my church life, all I was looking for was acceptance ,and trust, and I could not find either anywhere I went!! They would only trust you so much, if they needed someone to watch the kids, which I in fact loved,and believe that is where God wanted me to be, but there was never any trust! No one would trust me with anything , I was given an umbilical cord, and everytime, was told to give the baby back! Its really sad when so called Christians cant even trust you with the calling God placed in you! But, it sucks, and life goes on, but I need to talk about it, because, being un churched has taught me soooo much! Yes, at first I was lonely, I was sad, and yes, even cried over it! The people that said, and still even say they loved you, kicked you to the curb without even asking your opinions, never got a phone call, not even a flippin email asking if I was ok! Not one church that I left or was kicked out of ever gave me a phone call, or even an email!That's just sad! Someone tells you how much they care about you, and ya never hear from the again..pretty sad isn't it? But, to most I sound like a hurt little Christian, but really I am hurt, but I am alive, I am awake, I can post whatever I want, listen to whoever I want, go shop wherever I want, and I am free, I never had this while in church, I was always tied down by stupid man made rules, and meetings, and the feelings of never ever ever being good enough!!!No one ever would let me in there circle, I had to prove myself, and even after years of proving, still, not good enough, well guess what, I now know ,God says I am and have always been good enough, they were just to blind in there own man made religious junk to see that!! So, life goes on..and here I sit, not caring anymore what others think,..I do my thing,at home, church is just a building where people gather, We are the church..Jesus is inside, and he has never left!!!The holy Spirit has never left, I am not a heathen, nor backslidder, or any of the other pet names the unchurchers get from there rebellion!LOL..anyways...I am for the most part happy,and content with where my life is now! The chains are gone, I been set free!!!! Whoo hoo,,it feels great!!!:O)
Who's wit me??:O)

I haven't written in a few days..not like I been too busy..yesterday we took a ride up to Crystal river, just for something to do. Checked out a few stores, went and had dinner, and to walmart, then over to moms for a few, nothing big.
 The other night I gave Remi the best bath he ever had, ,I got glow sticks, and glow frogs, and used the glow stuff to splatter the walls glow, the bathroom looked awesome!! He and Jordy was so surprised, he played till the water got cold, then drained the water, and Jordan got in, I was like where's Rem, he is getting nekked, he wanted to get back in!!!Sorry Rems, its sis's turn! I have been trying out some sensory things to do with Rems and Jor mainly.

This is gonna be new with home schooling this year, its something I have been wanting to do, but hearing others telling me all the crap, I think some people just have this idea that home school kids sit ,and hear mom blab on for 6 hrs a day, have no interaction with other kids, and never go outdoors, but its sooooo not true!!! Jake is actually excited to get through school earlier,he is hoping to start next month with a few classes.

 So, I am staying busy with my business, and making new things to try and sell, trying new things...Its always an adventure!!
 Looking foward to Sunday, get to see my lil nephew!!LOve that lil guy!!!:O)

sisters,moms, grandpas...

Yesterday we had a blast in the pool, Ryan loved the pool, I was really surprised he was so happy in the pool in his little floatie. He just sat back and chilled for almost an hour!! I never thought I could love a kid so much that wasn't my own,but that lil guy stole my heart!!Love my lil nephew to death!!

Spent a bit int he pool, then went to moms for dinner, spagetti, with lotsa neatballs,as my dd calls them, and sausage, which she never had,but loved! My grandfather is down, so he go to meet the newest member of the family, We took a few pics, and spent some time together. I learned that he got to see some old pics of his father, which thrilled me to death, i can;t wait to get my hands on those! I love seeing my ancestors,and I love ancestry!!!! SO, that will be so cool, to have those added to my family tree!!

Today, My knee is killing me!! I now know when rain is near, my knee starts throbbing from within!!I think its safe to say,its some kind of arthritus(sp).

 So, what am I doing this week, well today, I am chillin', my knee pain is preventing me from doing normal house work today, so, all i am gonna do today is make some dinner, and chill on the couch.

 Been thinking its time to learn how to do my hair, its super long, I hate it long, but, maybe I can actually style it somehow!I never was one for style, makeup, fashion ect...just not my cuppa tea..lol!!

 Anywhoo..that is about all for today!:O)